Frank Turney

I never had much success with the opposite sex. I didn't even have my first girlfriend until I was 17. Most of my childhood and teenage years were punctuated with long bouts of agonised unrequited love where the girl in question didn't know I was alive or didn't care how much of a deep well of anguish I'd sunk into over her. Now, before I go on, I should point out that my parents played very specific roles in my family. My mother was always my direct interface with the rest of the world. If I wanted permission to do something, I asked Mum. If I was confused about something in life, I asked Mum. If I hurt myself, I went to Mum (I still remember one of us getting some horrific graze from falling over one day and Dad's first instinct was to put Dencorub on it). If it was anything about being in love or girls, I went to Mum. Dad was more of a protective shell around the outside of all that. I knew they paid a mortgage and put food on a table because he went to wor